A HARD PLACE

My Season of Unrest

This isn't intended to be read by anyone, but if you happen upon it, maybe you'll understand. Then, again, maybe you won't. Problem is, I'm not sure I do. As I prepared to write this, I asked the Lord to help me through every hard place, to speak to me as I write, to help me see what He's doing in my life, and to open my eyes to see where I may be walking in error if, indeed, I am. Truth be told, I'll probably come back and rewrite this more than once. This is just the beginning.

I'm in a hard place right now. As I'm aging, I can't help but wonder why God has continued to lead me down certain roads, why He has opened certain doors, why He seems to expose me to deeper truths that sometimes call my long-held beliefs into question. At the very least, it seems as if my faith is more solid than ever but this hard place is a lonely place.

As I sat contemplating something I just read, I asked God to show me someone I could talk to about what I'm feeling and why I don't seem to fit into any box. I thought about this person then that person ... envisioned myself sitting down in front of someone and sharing what I'm feeling without success, pandering to their interpretation as they offered a superficial explanation without truly understanding why I feel so alienated and set apart from my peers. I'm trying to be careful not to use names or identify any specific people -- when I see myself trying to seek counsel, I can literally hear the answers they want to offer, answers not connecting with the depth of what my heart is battling.

I suppose I could easily just ignore this hard place, work my way around it and pretend I haven't been exposed to Biblical truths that are deeper than just the words on the page. I'm sure I could just forget what I've learned and fall in sync with friends and family who are more than satisfied with their understanding of Biblical truths. I could really just erase my memory banks and pick up where I began and follow the masses blindly. But, truth be told, I'm not sure I could ever find peace in doing that. I would always wonder if I should have stood my ground and taken the hard road that, for some reason, God saw fit to lead me down. So, that's not really the answer ... I'm on the road and I can't make a U-Turn, I can't turn out the light.

Don't get me wrong ... I'm not trying to say that I have some kind of special revelation or knowledge, or that I have wisdom beyond my peers or anything like that. What I'm saying is that I perceive or discern when things are "off", when Scripture is being taken out of context or being presented to support a statement when, in fact, contextually there was no basis to connect the statement with the reference. When a word is misinterpreted to fit a principle a speaker is trying to emphasize, my heart is so grieved! I feel like I'm wrong for not taking what was presented at face value, like I shouldn't study it out for myself.

Oh, and when I do try to study it out for myself, I can come up with a plethora of writers, preachers, speakers, teachers, etc., to validate what had been presented. They've used the same train of thought process to arrive at their interpretation. So, the argument begins within myself ... am I wrong? Have I looked at it wrong? Could it be both ways? There it is ... I'm back in that hard place where I'm feeling alienated, isolated and all alone -- just me and God and His Word which seems to expose the counterfeit.

These are hard words. Please know I don't mean to sound like I'm some Biblical or Theological scholar – nothing could be farther from the truth! But, those who ARE have presented solid teaching that sometimes makes it difficult for me to accept what I hear and read at face value. I seem to need more. My question to God is, "Why? Why are You allowing me to be grow roots in that hard place where I don't fit in with the most popular belief sets? Why have you always called me to be the oddball ... the one who is different and doesn't fit in?" Or, maybe God hasn't done this and I've done it to myself! Maybe I'm so stubborn that total surrender is out of reach for me – not surrender to God but surrender to the current trends in the Church.

I'm a seeker of Truth because Jesus is Truth. Jesus isn't the gifts. Jesus isn't the sermon. Jesus isn't the book. Jesus IS the Truth and I will seek Truth until the day I leave this world. But, I pray that isn't coming from a hardened heart, from a heart that is destitute and void of anointing. I pray that my current discontentment is coming from a heart eager to risk everything to seek Truth, even if it means living in this hard place of aloneness where seemingly so few understand my struggle.

My pastor recently made a statement that really spoke to me, albeit in a way much different than what he likely intended. He said, "the main purpose of fruit is to protect the seed." He went on to say "we eat the sweet fruit and throw the seed away instead of planting them to grow fruit." (I may not have that as an exact quote.) My heart is always looking at that seed -- the origin of the fruit. Let me untangle that for you if I can: I see the "seed" as God's Word. People pick and poke and bite into the sweetness of God's Word -- the eat what satisfies the palate, what provides immediate satisfaction. But, when the sweetness of the fruit is gone, when they've taken in as much of the sweet, juicy and tasty fruit, they spit out the seed and go on with their day, never again thinking about that seed. But, it is the seed that brings nourishment, not just for individuals, but for many -- for every tribe, nation, kindred, people who will "taste and see that the Lord is good" but not neglecting to cherish and protect and guard that seed so it can grow and be a blessing, benefitting others.

It's the deeper things ... not just the meaty, sweet, juicy fruit. I feel protective over the seed. But, I feel guilty for saying that because there's so much I don't know, so many hours of so many days I've wasted not searching for deeper truths when I had the chance. But, even that doesn't take away the deep burning passion to guard the seed ... the seed of deep truth found in the life-generating Word of God.

So, give me the Arabic. Give me the Greek. Give me the Hebrew. Give me the peer-reviewed Spirit-filled/Spirit-led scholars, not just any but those who are willing to strip away the fluff and pre-conceived, man-inspired doctrines and help me understand how the New Testament Scriptures are hyperlinked to the Old Testament and to the Septuagint. Show me how the story of God's creation began and carried a common theme throughout history, through the pages of the Word of God, until the end of days found in John's Revelation of Jesus Christ. I want the over-arching story of the Bible, not ever to be satisfied to pick and choose Scripture to fit my life or my agenda ... I want to dive into the living waters that carry me in the Truth-Ship of God's Word. Through the raging seas. Through the stormy winds. Through the wind and rain and sleet and hail and snow and ice and tempestuous waters ... and, maybe -- just maybe I'm getting a taste of that right now.

This, I'm sure, sounds like a lot of rambling, but I just want to try to make some sense out of what I'm feeling, sharing the guilt and shame pounding on the door of my heart for not accepting everything without first understanding the foundational precepts in God's Word. I want the seed to be guarded from fake, from misunderstanding, from misuse, from anything and everything that would lessen its value as Holy and Sacred as it lays out for all mankind the power of God to preserve His Word and lead His people into all Truth.

This is a hard place I'm in, at least from my perspective. I'm praying that God will help me see my way through this season, giving me the courage to do and to say what He would have me do and say. To resist the status quo. To dare to be true to His Word. To resist the temptation to yield to the sweet and simply reject the precious seed. 

I'm not equipped to do this on my own ...

God, please help me navigate what lies ahead while discerning, accepting and clinging to Your Truth. 

God's Word is Truth!